my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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