Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
