I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
