The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
