u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
