Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
