he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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