Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
