I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
