Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
