My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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