My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
