I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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