Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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