Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
