I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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