I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
