After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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