One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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