no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
