I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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