i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
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