in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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