you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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