I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
