Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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