I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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