does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
