Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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