life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
