I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
two words...techno handjob
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
