John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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