I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
