Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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