a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
