u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Farmville is her only friend.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
