You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
