Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
