Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
