I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
