how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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