Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize