I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
