YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
