We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
