i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't deserve a penis
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
