Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
