Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she looked like the before picture.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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