I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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