I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
