so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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