I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize