I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
