why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
