someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
