Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
