we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
