I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
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