Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
please don't ironically join a cult
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